Thursday, November 03, 2005
OK, here it is.....
October 14, 2005Place:
Hard Rock Hotel & Casino, Hollywood, FLWhy?:
Summer’s Bachelorette Party
Oh, what a night. It all started around 8:00pm when Kimmie and I finally arrived just north of the Dade County line, however most of the girls had already been drinking. Kim and I wasted no time, and began drinking as we got ready in the room for our bitchin’ night out (and believe me when I tell you that there was no shortage of vodka or mixers in that room). Jenny had decorated our room quite appropriately (nothin’ but class!). So, we all got ready and all the girls gathered in our room while we waited for Joanne and Anne. They finally showed up with a bottle full of bub’, and it was then that we were informed that we would ALL be playing a little game. Someone (I cannot remember who) bought those “Bachelorette Card Game” packs, which is basically Truth or Dare without the Truth. We each got 5 cards, and it was game on. Some of us traded cards we didn’t want (sorry, I wasn’t going to kiss the ugliest guy in the room….who ended up with that one??), and I couldn’t wait to see if anyone would actually complete all 5 cards.
About 5 minutes later, we are in the elevator heading down to the casino, and with this group, I knew it was going to be a good night. Jenny, Kimmie and I told the rest of the girls to wait by the elevators while we sprinted over to the ATM. I don’t think we were gone for more than 7-8 minutes, yet when we got back, Summer had completed card #1 (can’t say what it is), Joanne danced with an old midget (Card: Get the oldest man in the room to dance with you), and Anne was holding a smelly sock (Card: Have a man give you his sock). No foolin’, Anne has no shame. She asked the man for his sock, took it off herself, and said she’d be back shortly. (Needless to say, she never returned.) So, once I was able to compose myself, we headed out of the casino to the bars. We strolled out and the bouncer at some motorcycle bar talked us into his club by offering free shots (I know, we put up a fight, but he finally broke the girls down…). Within seconds, Anne had the bouncer flexing his muscles (Card: Get a guy to flex his muscles for your friends). I turned around and Jenny was on some random guys cell phone leaving a message for someone “Hey sexy, it’s me. Call me.” (Card: Use a stranger’s cell phone and call the last dialed number and flirt) They were a very nice couple that gave us $20 towards the “cost of the bachelorette party” (that was someone’s card—I think it was Jenny’s). So, we had our shots (let me rephrase that—the girls had their shots. I gave mine away—not too big on shots) and we were just about to leave when I see Anne kissing a guy (in front of his girlfriend) and running over to his friends (Card: Kiss 5 guys in 30 seconds or less). Anne was on a roll. And my stomach was hurting from laughing so hard.
We finally made our way out of this bar, and Ali took us to some club where it just happened to be free drinks (yay!) so we decided to stay and check it out. Now, when I tell you that there was no one in this place, I mean NO ONE was in this place. But, we didn’t care. It was open bar. We started dancing and singing (yes, we did girls—I believe it was Prince, too) and we were having a good time. People started filtering in, and we met Steve and Chris who turned out to be SO much fun. We all decided to leave this club to head over to Tequila Ranch. This is where the night spiraled out of control. While walking over to the Ranch, someone found me a guy with a hula shirt to dance with (Card), while Ali and Summer were trying to find a guy to take off his underwear and autograph it. Turns out, guys in FL don’t WEAR underwear—and they were not too shy to show us either--this is a new phenomenon to me. Moving on, we made it to the Ranch, ordered our drinks, and got Summer to get on the mechanical bull in the middle of the bar. What a sport—she was up there for awhile, too! I have been told (by Joanne) that this is where we lost Anne and Joanne. We didn’t stay very long before we decided to take out party elsewhere. As we were walking out, my purse starts ringing, which is weird since I left my cell in the room. I look in my purse, and sure ‘nuff, there’s a phone in there, and the caller ID read “Enrique”:
Me: “Uh, hello?”
“Enrique”: “Come get meeeeeee”
Me: “Yeah, I would, but I don’t know you.”
“Enrique”: “Claudia! Come and get me! Please!”
Me: “Enrique, I can’t do that right now hun, because, you see, I’m not Claudia, and I don’t know you…”
“Enrique”: “Claudia! (Explicative) please! I’m drunk, come get me!”
Me: “Ok, just stay right where you are and don’t move. I’ll go get Claudia and tell her to come get you. Just hang in there, OK?”
“Enrique”: (In a very sad and pathetic voice) “..Okay…”
After I restored calm in Enrique’s life, I took the phone back into the Ranch and handed it to the bartender to hold for Claudia. Once I was back outside, I was wondering out loud how this phone got in my purse. Klepto-Kimmie was giggling about something; turns out she put it in my purse thinking it was my phone.
So, we pushed on to another club that was packed full of people. So packed, that we didn’t realize Jenny and Ali were missing. We were dancing and drinking and having a great time when Summer and Skinny Mini informed us that Ali and Jenny went to the club next door. We decided it was best to go look for them, but we had no luck finding them. Chris and Steve went just about everywhere inside this club looking for them. I went in to check the one place they couldn’t look: The Ladies’ Room. I walk in, and in the first stall I see a body sitting on the floor, leaning against the door. I immediately knew it was not Jenny, however I was a little concerned. I kneeled down and tried shaking this person, with no response. In doing this, a crowd gathered, and someone went to get security. In an effort to avoid an even bigger scene, I took someone’s drink, threw it our in the sink (sorry) and filled the cup up with water. Ice cold. I dumped it over the stall onto this person, and this is when I began fearing that I was dealing with a dead body. Seriously—this person did not even flinch. Another girl went into the stall right next to this person and peered over the top. She said….something. I thought, surely I was not hearing correctly. But she said it again. “It’s a guy!” I met her statement with a “Fuck this—he’s not my problem.” I left as Security swept in.
So, what now? We went back into the casino hoping that they were in the food court eating pizza. We told the rest of the girls we’d wait down in the casino until all the clubs let out. It was roughly 2:00am, and Chris and Steve were on their way out as well. Toodle-ooo boys! Thanks for all your help. ;) Now it was just Kimmie and me. That is, until we ran into Lyle and his very strange friend. We met these two earlier in the evening while waiting for Chris to come back from his Jenny-finding mission, and Lyle was just about the funniest little thing you’ve ever met. Lyle began telling me that he and his girlfriend just broke up, blah, blah, blah. I’m not sure why I was listening since I didn’t really care, but his whole freakin’ sob story led to me yelling at him about the fact that he admitted that he had, um, sexual relations with his girlfriend the exact same way—for three years! I felt it necessary to tell him “I would have left your a** after 3 months of that B.S.” Although he looked quite sad, because apparently SHE left HIM, I felt he needed to know. That’s really…sad. Well, I was so dumbstruck that his relationship actually LASTED 3 years, I didn’t hear Kimmie calling for help from Lyle’s creepy friend. I am going to leave out what he SAID to Kimmie, as the pictures speak for themselves.
We left Missionary Lyle and creepy friend, and sat at the sports bar in the middle of the casino. We sat down and ordered Cokes (yeah, we were DONE), and the guy next to me started talking to us. George was from Chicago (what are the odds?) and we started talking about the city and how pretty it is, etc., etc. Kimmie kept hitting my leg, and I couldn’t figure out why. She was talking to the guy on the other side of her, and he seemed…normal, I guess. From the throbbing sensation in my leg from her final punch, I figured something must be wrong. I began including Kim in our conversation, and the other guy eventually took the hint and left. Turns out, they were having a perfectly normal conversation about the traffic in Miami, when he asked her “Do you ever take the Palmetto (SR-826)?” Se replied “Yes,” and he felt it necessary to pull a Palmetto bug out of his pocket. What in the holy hell is WRONG with people? And why is Kimmie meeting all these weird people tonight?? All of this was quite entertaining, especially to our new friend George, however Kim seemed a little uneasy. We told him how we were waiting for our lost friend to come out of the clubs, just as HIS drunken friend stumbled past him in the bar. George did not seem to care very much, and as it turns out, we were all in the same boat.
We finally got Jenny on the phone, and asked her where she was.
She replied “In a club!”
Kimmie: “come outside—we’re looking for you!”
Jenny: (singing) “Bottle full of ‘bub”Oh Jesus.
Kimmie: “Who are you with?”
Jenny: “I’m with Jade!”
Kimmie: “No. No, you’re not. Jade is upstairs sleeping.”
Jenny: “She is? Well, she looks like Jade”Help me now.
Kimmie: “Jennifer, you get outside right now! Just walk. Keep walking”
And we’re off. George told us to come back if we couldn’t find her, as he would probably still be waiting for his drunken friends, and we left. We walked outside towards the clubs, and there was Jennifer. Walking towards us, calling someone a jerk (actually, I believe it was “Number one a**hole”—or something like that), with one shoe on. True story. And she was not wearing flats either. I’m talking hobbling on one 3-inch heal. With the hiccups. If she had been wearing both shoes, I probably would have been upset that we were looking for her for so long, but I could not stop laughing. I mean, doubled-over, crying laughing. You really can’t make this stuff up. So, I held one arm, and Kimmie took the other, and we finally made it upstairs, everything and everyone accounted for. Except for Jenny’s shoe. We all got in bed, lights out, and I feel asleep to “HICCUP…heeeheeehe…HICCUP….teeeheee…” and so on….
It was not an easy feat to put all of this in writing, and my apologies if you did not find this adventure to be as funny as we all did. You REALLY had to be there to truly appreciate it, but maybe the pictures will help. It was a fantastically fabulous end to a wretchedly horrible week. I needed each and every laugh I had that night. Good times, girls…good times….
Posted by Catronics ::
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