Cathie's Blog
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
I am SO sure I just got yelled at by the Quiznos delivery guy…..I am waiting for the elevator in the lobby of my office with another gentleman, ironically enough to go by Quiznos and Starbucks, when the Quiznos delivery guy comes into the lobby. The elevator “ding”s announcing its imminent arrival to our floor, and the Quiznos guy begins feverishly pressing the down button. I find his impatience to be no more than annoying until he cuts me off getting into the elevator. Now, I am not about the whole “let a lady get in first” thing, but I believe the standard “first come, first in” etiquette. Anyways, we reach the lobby, and AGAIN, the Quiznos guy (QG) tries to get out before I do—even though I am standing in front of him. I stop, shoot a vicious glance at him, and he then stops and extends his arm signaling me to get out first. I took a moment to stop myself from sticking my tongue out at him, and exited the elevator—none too happy. Well, QG was now walking behind me and, literally, shouts
“SAY THANK YOU!”
I turn my head slowly to confirm that he was NOT talking to me—but he was!
Me: “I’m sorry—what?”
QG: “Say thank you! Americans are educated. They say thank you.”
Me (with a quizzical look on my face): “What am I saying thank you for?”
QG: “For letting you off the elevator. You American, right?”
Me: “Uh huh…”
QG: “Americans have education. They say thank you. Americans very nice people.”
I am so freakin sure that this guy throwing sarcasm at me for not saying thank you after cutting me off and all but pushing me out of the elevator. Now, what I DIDN’T tell him was what a douche bag he was and that his mother did a very poor job of raising him. What I also did not do was spit on him. In fact, I just let him keep on talkin’ until he finally made it to his car. That should result in some good karma coming my way.
Also, I would like to share with you that I have found a new blog space! Yay! I am looking for a new template so I can make it really pretty—I am sick of this dark, dreary template. And it looks as though it is much easier to post pictures at my new location. I’m going to fool around with it for a couple days before I go public with it—but I am very excited! In the meantime, I will still fool around with this one and try to post Key West. Gainesville, on the other hand, will have to be on the new site. Long story.
It's not letting me arrange the pictures and the story chronologically and it's really upsetting me. I am going to write a very strongly worded letter to Blogger. I will keep fooling around with it and I'll e-mail all of you the link once it is updated.
(If this continues, I will be forced to relocate. If I do, my website will be bigger and badder than ever!! Should this happen, I will forward the new link to those of you I like.)
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Coming Soon!!!!Key West. I'm working on it! I will be posting today. Promise.
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
I did not intend to disappoint…..However, my “problem” (b.k.a. Ryan) and I discussed the Halloween posting at dinner last night, and had to make a difficult decision—not to post the surprise. Now, I know some of you are very disappointed, and to show you that I am not completely dead inside, I will post a few pics from the party. If you really need a story to accompany the photos, here’s a brief recap of the party:
We bought lots of food, lots of liquor, and lots of decorations. We ate lots of food, drank lots of liquor, and admired our mad decorating skillz. The End.
Some of you will be seeing the surprise on a vacation we will be taking in the near future. I won’t say anymore though. And don’t try to get it out of Ryan and me—we won’t crack.
Now, as far as Tammy’s Bachelorette Party in Key West goes, well, you know what they say! “What happens in Key West stays in Key West!” OK, no one says that—but that’s what we agreed upon in our very secret “Trust Candle lighting Ceremony” Friday. I was thinking about either posting the “My Favorite Moments” everyone e-mailed yesterday, or just posting the pics with some captions basically narrating our weekend—I’m not sure yet….. feel free to e-mail me your suggestions.
I’m off to Gainesville Friday with the whole gang for UF v. FSU (Go Gators!), so Key West will be posted next week, followed by G-ville pics.
Oh, and before I go, how ‘bout them Canes???? Teeheeheeheeee---that game Saturday was AWESOME. You all know I love each and every one of my Canes fans—and it has been a pleasure hating you this football season, but I just can’t let that loss go. And to Ryan, Joey and Kimmie, I am quite sad that our 2005 rivalry is coming to an end, but let’s look forward to next year when all three of our teams hopefully won’t suck as much as they did this season. xoxoxo
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!! And a Happy Sankgiving to all my hispanic friends!
(Check back later for the Halloween pics--the program is not posting them and I do not have time to deal with it right now. Toodles!)
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Leave me aloooooooone!I know I am supposed to be posting the Baldwin Halloween Bash story and photos, but, you see, I do have other things in my life BESIDES this blog, so get off me. OK sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude. I am working on it, but I’ve run into a little problem that I cannot disclose. You’ll understand eventually. And for my oldest and dearest friends (mainly those that actually attended the Halloween party), it will be well worth the wait. Trust me. You will all enjoy the fruits of my labor. (teeehehhehee)
I am going to have to pack my bags tomorrow (do you like how I make it sound as though I am being forced to do so???) to head down to Key West with the girls for a few days, and chances are I will not post anything until next week. If I have time tomorrow, and I can fix my problem, I will post then. Sit tight.
Friday, November 11, 2005
The Last Hurrah of ‘05It’s been a couple weeks since the hurricane, but I only feel it necessary to post these pics because it WAS our last Hurricane Party of ’05. Kinda sad—kinda not. I’m sure there will be more to come next season, but we had so much fun this year! Except for that time we got flooded in at Ryan’s house after Katrina and we had to wet-vac our cars, with what might have quite possible been the worst hangovers on record. And since we really didn’t think it was coming, I didn’t get gas, and Ryan had to drive me all over town to find some. Ugh. That sucked. But thanks for that B. Other than that, we had some really memorable moments. I’m sure some will be in my Top 5 at years’ end. We had our last party at de Moya’s, and it was supposed to be only a couple hours since we had no idea when the weather was supposed to start “deteriorating” and we’d be facing “blustery squalls” driving home. But, a few hours turned into several hours because we were having SO much fun watching Kimmie after several V-RB’s! No, really, she never gets like that, but when she does, you must cherish every moment. She is absolutely hysterical when she’s wasted. AJ was right up there with her, as you will see in the pics below. A big thanks to the de Moya's for having us over!!
The hurricane itself was unsettling. Allison and I stayed at Kimmie’s, which was so shuttered up it was air-tight. Lucky for us, Kimmie didn’t lose power (although it flickered a couple times) OR cable. Yay! My parents kept calling to find out what was going on as they held their French doors closed for roughly 2 hours—and that was just during the first half of the storm. Allison slept through almost everything—thank goodness—and it was all over fairly early in the morning. It was about this time that I realized: Kimmie does not own a coffee maker….OR instant coffee. Aaaggghhhhh. We ventured out and found that Dunkin’ Donuts was open. Now, when I say “Open,” I mean they took one shutter off and were selling yesterday’s donuts in the dark. I just wasn’t meant to have coffee that morning. In fact, I didn’t have coffee until the next day at “Baldwin’s Daily Cocktail Hour,” and I was surprisingly OK with it. During this week, I also successfully curbed my wicked internet addiction. I’m still doing fairly well on that front.
The days following the hurricane were, quite possibly, the most beautiful days we’ve had this entire year. This was especially good since no one except Kimmie had lektricity. None of us had to work, the kids didn’t have school, and there was an 8:00pm curfew. So, you may be asking yourself, “Cathie, what did you guys do all week?” Well, let me answer that for you. We’d get up whenever we felt like it (actually, when Allison woke up), eat breakfast, sit around, drive around, and then be at Ryan’s by 3pm for cocktail hour. The kids played the entire week, and we even had our own “World Series” in the street. This was interrupted briefly when a dog got run over by some jacka*s on a cell phone, right in front of the kids. After 30 min. of crying, and reassuring the kids that the dog was NOT going to die,the game resumed--kids are so resilient.
Come Friday, it was time to prepare for the Baldwin Halloween Bash. More on that next week….
Until then, enjoy the pics, and have a good weekend!
Jenny and Papa Lee
Looking for Wilma!
Mr. B walked over, ate, watched some of the World Series, and left. Like a torando....
They ALWAYS do this--it's so cute..heeheee
The Girls
AJ and Jilly
I love Kimmie like this!! So much fun!
Jill thought Ryan needed a new harido. I think she was going for the "Lacrosse Ryan" look.
I am going to start a "blog count" of how many times Ryan gives the camera the bird. It's almost a reflex at this point....
What a show--these two were cracking me up
Now you know how B stays so skinny!
On a mission for coffee....
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Christina and Barbie’s 60th BirthdayWell, as it turns out, none of us really remember too much from that night after the karaoke started. So, we are going to have to piece this together, together…..
This may be a painful process, but let us see what we can do. Barbie has summed the evening up as follows:
“Ok, so here's how it went down ...that F-in bitch Wilma made us reschedule our party like 10 times! But as they say in show business, the Show must go no, and it did a day early.
The tent was hot but it looked really pretty. And my cupcake tower was awesome. At around 8 pm I started drinking and that's all I remember. Thanks for coming out.
Oh wait there was this one part... I remember yelling Tequila shots! Which is weird cuz I don't drink Tequila. but I did that night! So lets review: very pretty tent blah blah... people , drinks, drinks, TEQUILLA, the end.
My party rocked!!!!!”
Yeah, good times. With Tita’s help, I was able to remember a little more than that. OK, so the show went on a day early, and it just so happened to be the effing hottest day of 2005. Humid, and hot and nasty. Nothing a little liquor can’t cure, I always say! So aaaannywhoos…..it was a fairly quiet and relaxing evening until Babs decided it was time for karaoke. She and Tita took the stage, and belted out a rousing rendition of Laverne and Shirley. Some other stuff happened…and some other people showed up…and there was lots of singing. My dad serenaded my mother with “Gloria,” which is when I realized that he, too, had been seeking salvation from the heat in a bottle of Chivas. The next thing I knew, he was up there singing “Mack the Knife”—and you know I had to help a brother out! So I sang back-up, and we received a standing ovation, as always. Barbie pretty much took over karaoke from there—and I can’t remember what she sang. Although I am pretty sure there was cover of the Copa in there someplace. My mother, God bless her, attempted to sing “Rapper’s Delight,” but Ben had to take over. He followed that one up with “Baby Got Back.” Sweet.
OK, so what do we have so far: It was hot. Lots of people showed up. My dad was throwing ‘em back and singing like a fool. My mom tried to sing.
Right about the time Ben sang “Baby Got Back” is when I looked around and realized everyone was HAMMERED. The bartender had been tipped with a thong, Barbie broke out the Patron, and poor Spanky showed up and realized there was no way for him to catch up—I think he put in a good effort though. (I took a shot of tequila, too. Jorge made me. This is especially disturbing since I never--EVER--drink it. I can't even handle margaritas. I had a bad night a long time ago--I tried it once again when I was living in NC and I almost puked as soon as it hit my lips. Pleeh. So disgusting. Never again.)
I say eff this story. Let’s let the pictures do all the talking. But first, a uber big thanks to Jessi and her family for putting on such a kick-ass (and beautifully decorated) party!
Now, without further ado:
Tita and Allison...getting ready for the evening..
Laverne and Shirley....
Barbie, Tita, Dina, and Jess--VERY early in the evening...
Jill and Jenny
Ben taking over "Rapper's Delight" for my mother....
Yeah, this is when Barbie took the floor for an hour or so...
Oh man, she REALLY got into it. Look at Spanky egging her on. This may have been the Copa....
Yeah! Kimmie finally made it!!
Don't be mad Jorge--you know you love me! (Does anyone--ANYONE--know what he was singing??) Jorge has labeled this "the worst picture day I've ever had." I was nice enough to fulfill his request and not post any of the others....
Is he doing the moon walk?
I, too, have friends in low places....
For those of you that would like your very own DVD of the party, please send me $24.99 plus $6.99 S&H. Thank you.
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
All about B...Barbie was under the impression that I posted the "new edition of getting to know your friends" so that everyone would e-mail me their responses, and that I would in turn post them on my site. This was not my intention, however I found Barbie's to be quite humorous, and worthy of space on my site. I apologize to my peeps over at the Daryl Daryl and Daryl Law Offices for not posting sooner, as I know I was your sole source of entertainment today. But, better late than never! Now, let's get to know Barbie:
1. What is your full name? Barbie Angela "Roque to the ta" AKA
Anastasia Van Beverhusen
2. What color pants are you wearing? Chino's Bitches!
3. What are you listening to right now? Death Cab For Cuite Check them out you wont be sorry and by the way I introduced Cathie to Ray LaMontagne (um, na ah! I found him on one of my Amazon linkfests and asked you if you liked him--it still took me 3 months to buy the CD though, and I'm glad I did! Lesson learned, always listen to Barbie)
4. What was the last thing you ate? Luna Bar, trying to keep my fat ass in check
5. Do you wish on stars? Every Sunday night at 10pm. Dr. Mcdreamy: you will be mine. Oh yes... you will be mine!
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Malcontent blue
7. How is the weather right now? I have no power, the weather sucks
8. Last person you spoke to on the phone? Ti to the ta
9. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Its really more of a worship thing
10. Favorite drink? What? Holla! Malibu Barbie
11. Favorite sport? Football. (Go Gators!!) and Diving ...something about a hot man in a Speedo
13. Hair color? Brownish whatever
15. Siblings? Too many! Gabriel (the quiet one), Chris (the dumb one), Me (the fabulous one), Danny (the Pot head) & Laura (my little sister who will on day rule the world, seriously, this kid is such a hard ass I love her)
16. Favorite month? December, it's when I channel my inner Martha
17. Favorite food? A little thing I like to call fried chicken .awww yahhhhh Dirty South
18. What was the last movie you saw? ....Last night I saw Super Troopers
19. Favorite day of the year? Christmas eve
20. What do you do to vent anger? By sending people who send me stupid e-mails lots of porn
21. What was your favorite toy as a child? My Big Wheel, shit I pimped the one with the pink streamers and a built in brake
22. Summer or Winter? Winter hell to the yah, I look so good in winter clothing
23. Hugs or kisses? Spanking ....tell a friend
24. Chocolate or vanilla? I don't hate. I love them both
25. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back? As Paris used to say only if it's hot!
26. Who is most likely to respond? Tita. She completes me!
27. Who is least likely to respond? No one I'm so hot right now, who wouldn't
28. When was the last time you cried? I don't cry, I lie ....I do cry when I look into your eyes and then I sigh and say good bye .....yahhhh I was rhythm' -Damm I got mad skillz
29. What is under your bed? Dust bunnies that live in harmony with my archived collection of Martha Stewart magazine kept in water tight and dust free containers.
30. Who is the friend you have had the longest? Flo & Dro
31. What did you do last night? Hung out in the F-in Dark!!!!
32. What are you afraid of? Clowns and Roller Coasters
33. Plain, buttered or salted popcorn? Buttered like my men....
34. Favorite car? I am beyond bored, but since you asked a Rover
35. Favorite flower? Tea roses
36. Number of keys on your key ring? Who the fuck cares seriously, the e-mail God's couldn't have come up with a better question? Shit I could have come up better questions than these...........Stay tuned for Barbie's AWESOME questionairre, cuz you can't spell Awesome without ME! Barbie that is ...
37. How many years at your current job? 2 years in the trenches
38. Favorite day of the week? Sunday
39. What did you do on your last birthday? What you weren't there? oh to bad for you sucker!!!!!! Oh burn!
40. How many states have you lived in? 1 I don't really go out much since they put the cuff on my ankle.
I hope you all feel a little closer to her now. And, my sister told me at the gym tonight that Babs really IS working on her own questionairre, which should be interesting. I was told some sample questions, and I can't wait until she sends it out. I will post when completed.
I should be posting T & B's party tomorrow (as Babs has FINALLY sent me her memories), but I am just sorting through all the pics everyone has sent. There are too many to post, so I will need to pick out only the best. Till then......I love you all....and I thank you for your patience.
Babs won’t send me her memories from her b-day party until I post her CVS story. This story is actually very amusing—she told me this at the gym last week, but I think it’s almost funnier in writing……
My CVS Experience
By: Barbra
(you know, like Streisand)
So here it goes …at CVS buying what is hands down the best face wash called “Mini Peel Hydrating Moisturizing Nourishing” by Olay…you get the picture. Anyways, so I sashay over to the check out, cuz that’s what I do now, I “sashay,” and the dumb ass ahead of me has mistaken the local CVS for a Costco and has damn near bought out the store, causing quite the queue to form. As I stand in line anxiously waiting my turn, I notice the older man standing next to me. He was fairly unremarkable, but he kept leering at me. It was so creepy--I looked away but I could feel his beady eyes messing with the buttons on my shirt! (wait, a touch too dramatic?—no) So finally after what has felt like an eternity, it is my turn at the check out. Again this Mother Fella is still jockin’! I take out my wallet to pay, and proceed to go when I notice this man has set his purchases down on the check out counter. I was almost home free when, as I glanced down, I saw what this guy was getting ready to throw his greenbacks down for ………ok brace yourselves……
Item 1. What had to be the LARGEST box of Condoms I’ve ever seen! I mean seriously I didn’t know there are people who need 7000 condoms in one box!
Item 2. The biggest tube of KY I’ve ever seen, I mean really he needed that much to go with item # 1.
And finally, a bottle of Trim Spa that he picked up at the Impulse section of the store (aka the checkout).
I’m seeing all this go down, and I’m sure the look of disgust on my face could be mistaken by this creepy man-- who had now morphed from a simple John Q. Public to a hideous dirty and insanely creepy rapist hiding out behind parked cars just waiting to assault some poor unsuspecting soul with his many condoms, lots of lube and Ann Nicole crazy inducing Trim Spa!—as flirtation. So as I look up from his party favors he sees the look of disgust on my face and do you know what he did?
DO you? Well he looked me right in the eye smirked and winked at me…..ugggggggghhhh……needless to say, I ran home doused my self with gasoline and sparked up! I really can’t say why I felt so dirty having been witness to this man’s clearly dirty purchases. I mean I’m no prude but really I think it was the wink the pushed me over the edge. Seriously Trim Spa?
OK Babs, happy now? Now get to work. Tita has sent me hers, so now we are just waiting on you. Your procrastination is causing quite the “queue” of stories to form. I need to catch up before Key West, G-ville, and all of December sneak up on me! Thank you for your cooperation.
Monday, November 07, 2005
While we wait for T & B….Tita and Babs are SUPPOSED to be writing some stuff about their party, reminders if you will, as I could not be responsible for remembering everything. I can only be one place at a time, and so much was going on that night. So, while we wait, let’s play the “new edition of getting to know your friends” that Dara sent. I refuse to answer some of the questions because I found some of them to be boring and/or redundant.
Let’s begin (I love how there are directions as if we have all not received this e-mail 100x's...):
Welcome to the new edition of getting to know your friends. Okay here's
what you're supposed to do, and try not to be lame and spoil the fun!
Just copy (not forward) this entire e-mail and paste into a new-email
that you can send. Change all the answers so that they apply to you.
Then send this to a whole bunch of people you know,
INCLUDING the person that sent it to you. Some of you may get this
several times. (lucky me!)
That means you have lots of friends... (I know--I'm awesome.)
1. What is your full name? This is the perfect example of boring.
2. What color pants are you wearing? Strange, but I’ll play along—let’s see where this is going. Beige.
3. What are you listening to right now? Ray LaMontagne (it’s my newest addiction—it has helped me break my Coldplay addiction a little…)
4. What was the last thing you ate? Cinnamon Chip Scone
5. Do you wish on stars? Sometimes, although it’s been awhile.
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? I dunno—it’s a tie between jazzberry jam and unmellow yellow
7. How is the weather right now? Bee-utiful, thank you for asking.
8. Last person you spoke to on the phone? Espee
9. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Love her!
10. Favorite drink? Need you ask? V.T. (sometimes with a splash of cran—you know, when I’m feeling it..)
11. Favorite sport? College Football (Go Gators!!)
13. Hair color? Brownish reddish….
15. Siblings? Tita, the best one in the whole world! She’d be even BETTER if she’d e-mail the events from her b-day party for all to enjoy.
16. Favorite month? January
17. Favorite food? Anything Italian and anything made from potatoes. (How I don't weigh 400lbs is a mystery)
18. What was the last movie you saw? ….as in saw for the first time? I have no idea. But I watched “50 First Dates” for the hundredth time last week.
19. Favorite day of the year? Thanksgiving, of course.
20. What do you do to vent anger? This is a stupid question. I can’t even think of one to replace this. This question has actually made me dumber.
21. What was your favorite toy as a child? There was this club house my mom made for my sister and me out of an AC box—or something--when we were little. We LOVED that thing. Just goes to show you…I don’t know why people (myself included) spend money on toys for children….
22. Summer or Winter? Winter—mos def. I think one of my Top 5 favorite moments of this year was stopping at Starbucks in a Turnpike rest stop on a cool evening, on my way to a Gator game, to find Pumpkin Spice Lattes were back on the menu. Nothing starts my favorite time of the year like football, Pumpkin Spice Lattes, and a road trip... (Check back in December for the Top 4)
23. Hugs or kisses? Well, that depends on who I’d be hugging/kissing….
24. Chocolate or vanilla? Chocolate or vanilla what? If you don’t specify, I cannot answer truthfully….
25. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back? They always do. They love me.
26. Who is most likely to respond? I won’t answer—I enjoy the element of surprise
27. Who is least likely to respond? See #26
28. When was the last time you cried? I don’t cry—I’m dead inside, remember? No, but seriously, I cry all the time. It’s my new thing. I’ve actually gotten pretty good at it. I should look into acting—I can turn the waterworks on and off at lightning speed. I would have made Teri Hatcher look like a fool—LIKE A FOOL!—if I had done that scene she did on D.H. last night when Mike Delphino told her “We are SOOOOO over!” And I wouldn’t have done that bit where she ran down the street in a wedding dress (she shi*ted it all up and it wasn't even hers!). D.H. has been disappointing recently….
29. What is under your bed? Sweaters. And boxes of pictures….and some other things….
30. Who is the friend you have had the longest? Joy
31. What did you do last night? Hung out and then watched Grey’s Anatomy, my new favorite show. I (heart) Dr. McDreamy. D.H. has been knocked down to 4th place.
32. What are you afraid of? I fear nothing.
33. Plain, buttered or salted popcorn? Buttered and salted please.
34. Favorite car? I'm getting bored of this....
35. Favorite flower? Sweet Pea or Daisy
36. Number of keys on your key ring? Let's see....my car...my house...a key that I have no idea what it goes to, but may need one day...my office...the front door to my office...and another key I don't recognize. I should look into those...
37. How many years at your current job? 4 blissfully happy years. (you all understand...)
38. Favorite day of the week? Sunday
39. What did you do on your last birthday? What didn’t we do???? FTL—so much fun!
40. How many states have you lived in? 2
And there you go. I was bored. Feel free to pass this annoyance along to all your friends. And, if T & B send me something tonight I will post tomorrow. (Yeah, stop reading my blog and get to work you two!)
Thursday, November 03, 2005
OK, here it is.....Date: October 14, 2005
Place: Hard Rock Hotel & Casino, Hollywood, FL
Why?: Summer’s Bachelorette Party
Oh, what a night. It all started around 8:00pm when Kimmie and I finally arrived just north of the Dade County line, however most of the girls had already been drinking. Kim and I wasted no time, and began drinking as we got ready in the room for our bitchin’ night out (and believe me when I tell you that there was no shortage of vodka or mixers in that room). Jenny had decorated our room quite appropriately (nothin’ but class!). So, we all got ready and all the girls gathered in our room while we waited for Joanne and Anne. They finally showed up with a bottle full of bub’, and it was then that we were informed that we would ALL be playing a little game. Someone (I cannot remember who) bought those “Bachelorette Card Game” packs, which is basically Truth or Dare without the Truth. We each got 5 cards, and it was game on. Some of us traded cards we didn’t want (sorry, I wasn’t going to kiss the ugliest guy in the room….who ended up with that one??), and I couldn’t wait to see if anyone would actually complete all 5 cards.
About 5 minutes later, we are in the elevator heading down to the casino, and with this group, I knew it was going to be a good night. Jenny, Kimmie and I told the rest of the girls to wait by the elevators while we sprinted over to the ATM. I don’t think we were gone for more than 7-8 minutes, yet when we got back, Summer had completed card #1 (can’t say what it is), Joanne danced with an old midget (Card: Get the oldest man in the room to dance with you), and Anne was holding a smelly sock (Card: Have a man give you his sock). No foolin’, Anne has no shame. She asked the man for his sock, took it off herself, and said she’d be back shortly. (Needless to say, she never returned.) So, once I was able to compose myself, we headed out of the casino to the bars. We strolled out and the bouncer at some motorcycle bar talked us into his club by offering free shots (I know, we put up a fight, but he finally broke the girls down…). Within seconds, Anne had the bouncer flexing his muscles (Card: Get a guy to flex his muscles for your friends). I turned around and Jenny was on some random guys cell phone leaving a message for someone “Hey sexy, it’s me. Call me.” (Card: Use a stranger’s cell phone and call the last dialed number and flirt) They were a very nice couple that gave us $20 towards the “cost of the bachelorette party” (that was someone’s card—I think it was Jenny’s). So, we had our shots (let me rephrase that—the girls had their shots. I gave mine away—not too big on shots) and we were just about to leave when I see Anne kissing a guy (in front of his girlfriend) and running over to his friends (Card: Kiss 5 guys in 30 seconds or less). Anne was on a roll. And my stomach was hurting from laughing so hard.
We finally made our way out of this bar, and Ali took us to some club where it just happened to be free drinks (yay!) so we decided to stay and check it out. Now, when I tell you that there was no one in this place, I mean NO ONE was in this place. But, we didn’t care. It was open bar. We started dancing and singing (yes, we did girls—I believe it was Prince, too) and we were having a good time. People started filtering in, and we met Steve and Chris who turned out to be SO much fun. We all decided to leave this club to head over to Tequila Ranch. This is where the night spiraled out of control. While walking over to the Ranch, someone found me a guy with a hula shirt to dance with (Card), while Ali and Summer were trying to find a guy to take off his underwear and autograph it. Turns out, guys in FL don’t WEAR underwear—and they were not too shy to show us either--this is a new phenomenon to me. Moving on, we made it to the Ranch, ordered our drinks, and got Summer to get on the mechanical bull in the middle of the bar. What a sport—she was up there for awhile, too! I have been told (by Joanne) that this is where we lost Anne and Joanne. We didn’t stay very long before we decided to take out party elsewhere. As we were walking out, my purse starts ringing, which is weird since I left my cell in the room. I look in my purse, and sure ‘nuff, there’s a phone in there, and the caller ID read “Enrique”:
Me: “Uh, hello?”
“Enrique”: “Come get meeeeeee”
Me: “Yeah, I would, but I don’t know you.”
“Enrique”: “Claudia! Come and get me! Please!”
Me: “Enrique, I can’t do that right now hun, because, you see, I’m not Claudia, and I don’t know you…”
“Enrique”: “Claudia! (Explicative) please! I’m drunk, come get me!”
Me: “Ok, just stay right where you are and don’t move. I’ll go get Claudia and tell her to come get you. Just hang in there, OK?”
“Enrique”: (In a very sad and pathetic voice) “..Okay…”
After I restored calm in Enrique’s life, I took the phone back into the Ranch and handed it to the bartender to hold for Claudia. Once I was back outside, I was wondering out loud how this phone got in my purse. Klepto-Kimmie was giggling about something; turns out she put it in my purse thinking it was my phone.
So, we pushed on to another club that was packed full of people. So packed, that we didn’t realize Jenny and Ali were missing. We were dancing and drinking and having a great time when Summer and Skinny Mini informed us that Ali and Jenny went to the club next door. We decided it was best to go look for them, but we had no luck finding them. Chris and Steve went just about everywhere inside this club looking for them. I went in to check the one place they couldn’t look: The Ladies’ Room. I walk in, and in the first stall I see a body sitting on the floor, leaning against the door. I immediately knew it was not Jenny, however I was a little concerned. I kneeled down and tried shaking this person, with no response. In doing this, a crowd gathered, and someone went to get security. In an effort to avoid an even bigger scene, I took someone’s drink, threw it our in the sink (sorry) and filled the cup up with water. Ice cold. I dumped it over the stall onto this person, and this is when I began fearing that I was dealing with a dead body. Seriously—this person did not even flinch. Another girl went into the stall right next to this person and peered over the top. She said….something. I thought, surely I was not hearing correctly. But she said it again. “It’s a guy!” I met her statement with a “Fuck this—he’s not my problem.” I left as Security swept in.
So, what now? We went back into the casino hoping that they were in the food court eating pizza. We told the rest of the girls we’d wait down in the casino until all the clubs let out. It was roughly 2:00am, and Chris and Steve were on their way out as well. Toodle-ooo boys! Thanks for all your help. ;) Now it was just Kimmie and me. That is, until we ran into Lyle and his very strange friend. We met these two earlier in the evening while waiting for Chris to come back from his Jenny-finding mission, and Lyle was just about the funniest little thing you’ve ever met. Lyle began telling me that he and his girlfriend just broke up, blah, blah, blah. I’m not sure why I was listening since I didn’t really care, but his whole freakin’ sob story led to me yelling at him about the fact that he admitted that he had, um, sexual relations with his girlfriend the exact same way—for three years! I felt it necessary to tell him “I would have left your a** after 3 months of that B.S.” Although he looked quite sad, because apparently SHE left HIM, I felt he needed to know. That’s really…sad. Well, I was so dumbstruck that his relationship actually LASTED 3 years, I didn’t hear Kimmie calling for help from Lyle’s creepy friend. I am going to leave out what he SAID to Kimmie, as the pictures speak for themselves.
We left Missionary Lyle and creepy friend, and sat at the sports bar in the middle of the casino. We sat down and ordered Cokes (yeah, we were DONE), and the guy next to me started talking to us. George was from Chicago (what are the odds?) and we started talking about the city and how pretty it is, etc., etc. Kimmie kept hitting my leg, and I couldn’t figure out why. She was talking to the guy on the other side of her, and he seemed…normal, I guess. From the throbbing sensation in my leg from her final punch, I figured something must be wrong. I began including Kim in our conversation, and the other guy eventually took the hint and left. Turns out, they were having a perfectly normal conversation about the traffic in Miami, when he asked her “Do you ever take the Palmetto (SR-826)?” Se replied “Yes,” and he felt it necessary to pull a Palmetto bug out of his pocket. What in the holy hell is WRONG with people? And why is Kimmie meeting all these weird people tonight?? All of this was quite entertaining, especially to our new friend George, however Kim seemed a little uneasy. We told him how we were waiting for our lost friend to come out of the clubs, just as HIS drunken friend stumbled past him in the bar. George did not seem to care very much, and as it turns out, we were all in the same boat.
We finally got Jenny on the phone, and asked her where she was.
She replied “In a club!”
Kimmie: “come outside—we’re looking for you!”
Jenny: (singing) “Bottle full of ‘bub”
Oh Jesus.
Kimmie: “Who are you with?”
Jenny: “I’m with Jade!”
Kimmie: “No. No, you’re not. Jade is upstairs sleeping.”
Jenny: “She is? Well, she looks like Jade”
Help me now.
Kimmie: “Jennifer, you get outside right now! Just walk. Keep walking”
And we’re off. George told us to come back if we couldn’t find her, as he would probably still be waiting for his drunken friends, and we left. We walked outside towards the clubs, and there was Jennifer. Walking towards us, calling someone a jerk (actually, I believe it was “Number one a**hole”—or something like that), with one shoe on. True story. And she was not wearing flats either. I’m talking hobbling on one 3-inch heal. With the hiccups. If she had been wearing both shoes, I probably would have been upset that we were looking for her for so long, but I could not stop laughing. I mean, doubled-over, crying laughing. You really can’t make this stuff up. So, I held one arm, and Kimmie took the other, and we finally made it upstairs, everything and everyone accounted for. Except for Jenny’s shoe. We all got in bed, lights out, and I feel asleep to “HICCUP…heeeheeehe…HICCUP….teeeheee…” and so on….
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Author’s Note: It was not an easy feat to put all of this in writing, and my apologies if you did not find this adventure to be as funny as we all did. You REALLY had to be there to truly appreciate it, but maybe the pictures will help. It was a fantastically fabulous end to a wretchedly horrible week. I needed each and every laugh I had that night. Good times, girls…good times….
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